holy wow what a year it’s been

re-membering, i am not my body…

As the year 2024 comes to a close, i have to say i’m quite glad it’s almost over… where i’m so ready for something new to emerge. Frankly, it’s been one tough one. A long year of unexpected dis-ease, with the first half not knowing what was the heck was going on and the next, a weird journey of attempting to find myself back to some kind of wellness + feeling good again—a year-long journey back to the light…

It’s also been a year of immense loss, pain and grief too… Many friends struggling with their own health and many passing over to the light. On top of it all, i feel collectively, we’re all feeling pretty unsure of what’s next as our world continues to shift and change in ways we never imagined. It’s been kind of scary feeling like we’re all holding our breath, all at once.

I’m also quite weary of all the pharmaceuticals i’m having to consume daily to keep my condition at bay, let alone the cost and the never-ending cost of everything else.

So, what’s next? I really don’t know… Does anyone know? I find i have to remember to use the tools i’ve been given to keep sane + keep my feet on our blessed earth mother…for i know i wouldn’t be here without Her. I also know that we only have this present moment and i keep asking myself the question, “how do i wish to feel + be within this present moment?”

I keep breathing… … …

It was interesting, this morning upon waking from another unrestful, painful non-sleep, i realized…it was one of those light-bulb moment things, that…

…i am not my body… i am so much more than that… as i am an infinite spirit that continues, continuing…

and when i just allow myself deep rest + be within the silence, there is deep peace… ah, blessed peace…

This last year, i haven’t even had the energy to even pick up my guitar or drum nor do my art on any level that i‘ve feel good about because of the pain and not feeling well. I’ll admit i’ve been pretty focused on the pain + ugh and forgotten who i am. It’s hard not to when one is feeling so crappy. I’ve been attempting to understand it all… ‘why me?’… have tried all kinds of supplements, watched what i eat to even creating + recording in my own voice, a healing affirmation and more.

It’s weird, of late, i’ve found that some folk seem to take a wide berth around me ‘cause i think they just don’t want to hear about the ugh anymore. (or is it me that doesn’t want to hear about it?) That feels strange ‘cause i don’t think some really want to hear how one really is when they ask, ‘how are you?’… I will admit, i’ve found myself feeling pretty lonely at times, especially when one yearns for support and understanding. Frankly, i’m quite weary of talking about the ugh.

The one thing i have managed to do is, embrace my writing, quietly working on my poetry which has filled me in ways i can’t describe. It’s certainly been a healing outlet helping to work through all this ugh somehow.

When a memory came up on my facebook this morning, i was struck with a past (remote) concert i had played with a dear friend during Covid (via a facebook live). There it was on my phone right in front of me, and so, i chose to take the time to just lay there, be + listen for the whole hour… and, that simply felt GOOD. I rested within that GOOD.

Actually, i had a good cry re-membering that part of me i felt i thought i had lost + have grieved all this past year… the light, music + art of who i truly am and i have so missed that part of me. I now wonder if i had to get sick just to move through all that ugh to simply find me once again... and, i think i’m getting there…

And so i wrote a poem… (see below)

I sooo welcome this new year + open to something new… i wish you all healing + resonance embracing who you truly are… happy happy new year everyone!

much, much love, weaver x (((💜)))

infinite i am

dis-ease begins i seem to believe
that i am a body fragile "I" separate “me” alone
growing black shadow of regret grief despair misery suffering ugh
incessant weight of story i call my own though
healing does not live inside struggle she lives within stillness choosing
a laying down surrendering letting go judgment re-membering my
knower and the known that i am sparkly light eternal just full
rest here within oh a quiet feel my body relax loosen realigns
shut off my mind calm i am boundless i am life herself be
a shining one allowing old story melting to flying wing-to-wing
undying freedom awaits inside warming heart i am
one big breath calm opening blooming where
deep love of who i am restores mends recuperates
where all stuff is possible again i am
not broken i am whole holy i am
brilliant brightness of light breath clearing
i am not my body blessed am i
thank you

—weaver 2024

"Healing is very simple." —A Course in Miracles 

below, me + Allannah play my song, ‘there is a power’ back in 2020 during Covid… we hope to properly record soon, when i feel stronger… enjoy! (turn up yer speakers)…

an extended excerpt from our sacred soundscape, a Full Moon Brightness... a facetime-live concert that we performed on December 30, 2020... with weaver on 12-string/vocals and my dear friend Allannah on cello + overtone chanting...

—Lyrics written by Karen L. Young (rip) + music composed by carol weaver

—There Is A Power © copyright 1983 - all rights reserved SOCAN

—live performance in our home on Gabriola Island, BC Canada