grief is getting kind of old…
a poem + remembering mum today, a year later…
Today is the first year anniversary of my dear mum passing to the light. She was in her 95th year…
I was glad i got up to Osoyoos the week before, to spend time with her, my sister and some family. It was a hard and bittersweet week as she had been deemed palliative the week before. Not sure i was ready for this though always knew the day would indeed come. So, here we were. We were so glad we could be together ‘cause i hadn’t seen my mum much since she had moved there.
For the week i was there, mum pretty much laid on her back, eyes closed, breathing and hearing everything we said as we kept vigil around her bed, in the care home.
When i had first arrived, mum had stopped speaking for a number of days. Though, when she heard our voices knowing we were there with her, we shared many wonderful short conversations and laughter together until she couldn’t speak anymore. She was definitely betwixt and between and we often wondered where she was at times, or knowing that she could pass at any moment. We didn’t want to leave her side and we weren’t even sure she could hear us during those liminal moments.
One day, mid-week, late afternoon, my sister leaned over to mum’s ear telling her we were going for dinner and would be back after. Out of the blue, with eyes still closed (she rarely opened them), mum spoke up clearly saying that she had heard many interesting stories all that day, in fact so many over the last couple of days, that we didn’t need to come back that evening, as she needed a break.
Mum had spoken. We all had a good giggle, kissed + hugged her goodbye and left. Mum grinning slightly and breathing.
It’s a strange time at the moment, mum’s first year anniversary and also learned last week that two dear old friends, from out of my past had died on the same day! Plus, my sister’s father-in-law had passed that same day too. Many friends have told me that once we hit the age of our later years, we begin to lose many that we have loved, family and friends more often... ya think?!
Frankly, i’m not up to it. Sorry, i’ve had enough grief and loss these past few years. I almost feel as though i’m becoming numb to it… this ongoing grief. I have come to know that grief is, what it is… there’s no way around it.. it’s a part of life and death while we make our short stay on this beautiful green planet. Gee, and that visit does go by too damn fast, doesn’t it?
During the lockdown through Covid, i wrote a poem from a ceremony i offered at the beach. Whilst, we were lucky to live on a small island where we could get out in nature, walk and breathe a little. This one day, i was feeling a lot and had to get outside and blow it off. And, so, headed down to the beach to blow my frustrations + hurt into a stone and one dusty dried rose as an offering…to let it all go, including my tears into the water and just wailed. I let a lot go that day… i was just hurting too much.
this hurts too much
i’m tired
flat tired
this
‘hurts too much’
fills me up so much
so
i blow
every fibre core
muddy sticky
heavy thread
tangled fringe
that doesn’t
belong
in
to you
old crusty
dusty
dried
resonant
rose red
who willingly
holds
light
truly who i am
this ‘hurts too much’
sacred breath
blowing
tears flow
out
drain the ‘hurts too much’
awkwardly
mindfully
i let it all go
to
our
salty blessed
ocean
mother
she
who holds me
back
up as
old
‘hurts too much’
slowly
swims
away
held.
—weaver © 2022
—see video below
Covid-19 brought a whole lot of grief in many forms during it’s reign of terror. Both my parents were in long-term care all during that time. The only way to visit was through closed steamed-up windows or with the challenging technology through FaceTime and zoom, on iPads and computers—screens… something of which my parents did NOT know. I remember my mum’s first FaceTime visit, where all i saw was the top of her head on the screen! Many folk who lost their parents during this time couldn’t even hold funerals or memorials in person, let alone be with them as they were passing. My good friend’s mum passed away during that time without family. It was a horrible + challenging time. Many endured so much, especially our dear elders… as isolation was the worst for them.
I think of my mum, both my parents living for so long, and just how much they have seen go by and the countless changes they’ve experienced over all those years. How hard they both worked, slaving hours on the farm, raising us kids, etc. They did indeed worked so hard so that my my siblings + i could live a better life. I have much gratitude for them both, for what they gave us… 💜🙏🏼💜
I also realized that both my parents and the dear friends and family i have lost, are now my ancestors. (Dad passed away at 96 three months later) Knowing this makes me smile deep also sensing often that they are with me always, by my side, guiding and holding me. I guess there’s some comfort in perceiving and knowing this… ‘who is remembered, lives—deep in our hearts’.
During that last week i was with my mum during her transition, there were many poignant and heart-felt moments both my sister and i shall treasure. Though there was one time when we were by her bed side, on either side of her… she was lying there, still on here back, eyes closed… We sat together within a still infinite silence, catching sounds of muttering within the care home, a fly droning by, lights buzzing away in the hallway and mum breathing… when, mum suddenly opened her eyes, looked right at me, eyes complete… grasped and i believe, thrilled i was there. Her eyes were so full of love that i knew in that instant she so loved me… and my sister, family, her life… There was a deep knowingness of some sort about all that, in that sacred instant… perhaps, a completion? Wordless, she gently closed her eyes and continued breathing… I had to go home soon the day later…so very grateful i could be there.
Mum, with my dear sister by her side, took her last breath just before 6pm on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023. We will always miss you dear mum, and remember you… thank you for you, thank you for everything!… hope you’re catching that big one on Mable lake at your brother’s place… may you rest in peace…
much much love, carol xoxo (((💜)))
Poem, ‘this hurts too much’ by weaver… turn up your speakers:
what a gorgeous photograph of your mother with the drum, and the one of her hands....fine witnessing